By RandomCharacters. Sort of an AJ/Overwatch crossover
It was a super normal day in AJ. Birds were singing, the sun was shining, and 90% of the kids were running around just being morons, trying to get rares and such, all while wasting their time brainstorming about the cruddy AJ creepypastas and trollpastas that they had read the night before.
People scamming. Betting. All of the like. Crime ran rampant through the streets.
There was only one solution to the problem, obviously. One super crazy, nearly impossible, dumb spur-of-the-moment solution. Yes, that. A giant robot, of course!
Instead of cracking down on the criminals, let's just throw a giant lethal military android into the mix and see what happens. Seems like a sturdy plan!
Curiosity killed the bot. Not really actually, he just kinda didn't care. At all. The portal looked neat and he had to go through it, even if it had a delayed teleportation time and left him on the other end covered in weird sticky black stuff.
Bastion found himself in the middle of a crowded, yellow cobbled street. Adorable fluffy animals ran to and fro, frothing at the mouth to the thought of getting a Rare Spiked Collar. Amazingly, nobody even noticed him or even cared to look. He tried to hug a couple, but they still didn't care. He was told that his mission had been to return this planet to its former glory, but they didn't tell him how. He assumed they meant obliterating everything that moved, and then to hope for the best. Obviously he wasn't gonna do that, all the animals were too darn cute and he'd better start hugging them all right now.
Eventually the animals formed a single-file hugging line without even knowing it. Bastion was overjoyed, to say the least. The hugging spree probably lasted a few hours.
However, then he overheard a couple of them.
"The dinner party is starting in a bit!"
"Oooh, sounds interesting. Even though I've been to that place a hundred times. It's got like, 5 stars on Yelp!"
Bastion had no clue what Yelp, dinner, or even a restaurant even meant. He didn't care though, and gently placed the two animals down, jumped on the public bus, and rode down to glory! Well, not really. It just sounds cooler that way. The bus was pretty nice though, even though Bastion kinda had to squeeze in to avoid squishing everyone and denting the roof.
The restaurant was... overwhelmingly underwhelming. It had like, one room. That's it. The balcony was nice, but every time Bastion stepped on it, his feet kinda went through the whole thing. Although nobody even cared, (a few people even tripped over and into the hole's left by Bastion's feet), Bastion ran back inside to avoid getting in trouble.
He then sat down at a booth. Although it was less like sitting and more like crushing.
The Arctic wolf on the other side of the booth just kinda.. Gave him a goofy smile. Her tongue was hanging out a bit too, like she'd gotten hit with a brick earlier. No sign of actual injury, though.
She wore a gray party hat, "long" black spiked collar, "long" black spiked wristband, a black worn blanket, and elf tail armor. Her fur colors matched the clothes almost exactly, blending her appearance into something much like every other "rare" Arctic wolf ever. Even her eyes were the same... So much for genetic variation I guess.
Bastion placed his hand on the table, and tilted his head. "Boop," he muttered.
"HAI MY NAME IS SPARKLE!!!" she said.
"I'M LIEK SUPER FAMOUS ON THE INTERNETS," boasted Sparkle. Her voice was probably the most horrific noise Bastion had ever heard (sans gunshots/explosions) and it drove him mad. Even though his internal programming wanted him to crush Sparkle right here, right now, and turn her into a pathetic little dripping puddle, he put those feelings aside and shook her paw.
"PPL SEND ME RAR STUFF ALL THE TIME CUZ IM FAMUS, DEY EVEN PAY THE SHIPPINGCOSTS11! ITS SO ANAZMING!
SO IS YU LIKE RAR EAND AWESOM? I'VE NEVEAR SEEN U IN AJ BEFORE, IS YOU THE NEW ANIMAL? YOU DOESNT LOOK LEIK A LUMER THO. IM GONNA MAKE A VID ABUT U!!!"
Sparkle pulled a camera out of nowhere, and started filming.
"Oh my god look it's Sparkle Arcticwolf!! She's filming a video of that ugly dude over there!" screamed a wolf, who was sitting in the booth behind them.
Even though Sparkle Arcticwolf was the most awfully generic name ever, everyone instantly knew who the wolf was talking about.
Soon people were reaching into their pockets, throwing all their money and credit cards and library cards and wedding rings into Sparkle's face.
One wolf had a heart attack, and fell over on the floor. "NOTICE ME SPARKLE," she screamed, as the first responders carried her off to the hospital.
Pretty much everyone in the room was a wolf. Not as cute and cuddly as the other animals, sadly, but they were decent enough to hug and pet. Sparkle's entire video was pretty much just a giant robot petting wolves, but since she had such a huge fanbase, everyone watched it. Interestingly, nobody watched it because of the GIANT FREAKING ROBOT, they were more interested in seeing if they could be seen among the chaos for even a split second. As you know, Sparkle's fans follow her everywhere.
Bastion soon became a superstar! You know, not because he is HOLY CRAP A GIGANTIC FREAKING MILITARY WAR MACHINE but because he was in one of Sparkle's videos. People sent him rares and all kinds of stuff, even old furniture and toys that were considered highly valuable for some reason.
Even though all the clothes were waaaaay too small to fit on Bastion, he felt cheerful. Being famous was enjoyable, although it left a little empty spot in his solid-state drive.
Bastion was bored as heck.
"HEY BASTIUN WANNA DO A ADVENTURRR1?!?!" screamed Sparkle.
Bastion had no idea what that even meant but he replied, "Beep boop."
Sparkle grabbed Bastion's giant metal hand with her teeny tiny paw and dragged him out into the middle of a forest for some reason. He was utterly confused, and decided it would be better if he started staring at insects instead of listening to Sparkle.
"oh jeez oh man what are youdoing bastiun," she said.
Bastion replied with a slightly ashamed "Boop."
They just kinda stared angrily at each other until Bastion's pet bird, Ganymede, starting eating all the bugs.
"OH YA DA ADVENTUR! FOLLOW ME!!!"
Sparkle pulled Bastion out of the forest clearing, over a river, over a rock, and to a tiny village full of rabbits who looked like they pained to be finally killed one day.
Sparkle started screaming at one of the rabbits. "WHERE AR DA PHANSTUMS!!!"
The rabbit, Pumpkin, just stood frozen in fear.
The other rabbits fainted.
Bastion ran up to Sparkle, grabbed her by the tail, and angrily scolded her. "Beep beep beep."
"SOSRRYS. IN DA ADVNRUT WE TALK 2 DA RABITS AN DEY IGVE US CORKS DAT WEE USE TO STOP DA PAHTSUMS!"
Bastion had absolutely no idea what that meant but listened carefully anyways.
"BUT DA RABITS R DUM AN DEY DONT LET US DO IT ANYMOR!!"
Suddenly, the rabbit lost her mind. "DEAR MIRA AND ZIOS ABOVE, THAT WAS A LIVE ACTION BROADWAY MUSICAL DONE THREE YEARS AGO! IT'S FAKE! THERE ARE NO PRIZES, JEEZ. IT WAS BASED ON HISTORICAL EVENTS WHEN ANIMALS HAD TO FIGHT AGAINST THE PHANTOMS! YOU'RE NOT A HERO, GET OVER IT! AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!"
The rabbit's scream was so horrible and loud, it awakened a deep and dark force. Apparently there were a few Phantoms left in this forest, despite it being populated with a bunch of dumb animals who thought slaying them by the millions was just a thing you do when you're bored.
The Phantoms began to infiltrate the village, and the rabbits began to dive into the burrows, slamming the doors and windows, screaming all kinds of gibberish and nonsense.
Pumpkin, before jumping down the burrow, screamed one last thing in Sparkle's ear. "THE RETURN OF THE PHANTOMS IS A FREAKING PLAY, YOU DIMWIT TURD-FACED IMBECILE!"
Sparkle just kinda stood there, hunkered down near Bastion.
"BOOP BOOP BOOP BOOP" he said, as he tossed Sparkle into the pond.
His head folded down, his arms back, and then his body did a whole rotation, and flipped. This transformation is an automatic response to danger in Siege Automaton units; basically the robot says "SCREW THIS," transforms into a giant gun, and shoots the living daylights out of everything.
Bastion spun his turret rapidly in circles, unleashing furious rounds everywhere. The Phantoms (and all the houses, trees, plants, etc) had been reduced to splinters, puddles, and dust. Thankfully the rabbits were okay... somehow.
Bastion transformed back into his mobile form, somewhat terrified and somewhat proud of what he had just accomplished. Sparkle trotted up and smacked him in the face.
"EWWW U TROO ME IN THE POND U STUPED EWWWWW"
Apparently she had recorded the whole thing, with a waterproof camera. Bastion was busted.
He really couldn't decide whether to make his dreams come true by turning Sparkle into a little puddle as well, or to just run away like the coward he always was and forget that any of this ever happened.
He chose the latter.
Bastion's robotic screaming eventually faded away, as he disappeared into the forest.
Sparkle just called her friends and complained about everything for the next few hours. Since she was so engrossed in sharing her unhappiness, the rabbits decided to beat her with twigs and boards until the nasty conversation ended.
Bastion sat at the restaurant. Nobody talked to him anymore, or sent him rares. They just sent him turds and hate mail. I don't think that's legal, though, so don't send people turds. It isn't a good idea. Hate mail is somewhat legal but it's not a good idea either.
"Beep boop bop beep boop boop," said Bastion, solemnly.
The waitress just muttered. "Mmmmhmm."
"Beep boop beep beep?"
The waitress sighed. "It'll be about 25 minutes till we're done with the hydraulic fluid cocktail, sweetie."
This is the part where Bastion loses his sanity.
Sentry mode had been activated.
A little while after, the restaurant was nothing but rubble and writhing puddles.
This was different than other times when Bastion's "instinct" kicked in. This time, they desevred it. 25 MINUTES IS UNACCEPTABLE! Jeez!
Bastion figured it would be nice to relax and do some art, so he went to the Coral Canyon's art studio... But to his dismay, Sparkle was there, creating her own art. It was a picture of Greely, the wolf "Alpha," drawn super kawaii with amazing shading and technique and it was the best thing ever to 99% of people in Jamaa. (Bastion was probably in the other 1%)
Sparkle soon began screaming in Bastion's face. "EWWW OMG ITS U AGAEN LOOK WHAT I DREW ISNT IT AMAZING!!?!!!"
Bastion disagreed strongly. "Boop."
Bastion then drew a picture of his adorable bird. It was absolutely horrible but it was still better than all the identical Greely "fan"art that was really just traced over actual photos of Greely.
"OMG UR ART IS UGLY!!!" said Sparkle, as she entered primal rage mode.
Bastion was extremely offended and entered his own "rage mode."
There was a duel. Well, not really. It lasted about 2 seconds.
Sparkle had finally met her fate! She was now a puddle! And not the puddle Bastion had dreamed of, in fact: she was even better! A smoldering puddle!
Suddenly, Bastion heard a voice, as his cameras went dark.
"That was AMAZING!"
Bastion woke up in an empty room, next to Liza. Lots of computer equipment was next to him... Perhaps he had been in a simulation?
"I think you're ready for a real ADVENTURE! Phantoms and bratty Arctic wolves are no challenge for you! Maybe you truly can make Jamaa a better place."
A portal opened up beside her; this time, to the real Jamaa.